Chapter Sixteen

Korvinox's Catacombs of Catastrophies

 * Down, down, down they trudged, each one of them chilled right down  to the very core, with only a few stray sconces to light the way. Even those with dark vision could barely see more than twenty feet in front of them. Down, down, down they trudged further and further, but they didn’t seem to be making any progress. Aigee casts Detect Magic to see what all the hubbub is about, and the entire room lights up, permanently blinding the goo for the rest of his short life. “There’s magic everywhere!” Aigee shouts.
 * “More of Korvinox’s trickery!” Skimp scowles. Aigee casts a Figure of Light to run down the stairs. And after five minutes or so, the bois saw the figure running down the stairs above them!
 * “Whatever shall we do!!! I’m too young to be trapped in here forever!” Aigee shrieked to nobody in particular. The rest of the Bois proceed to show him the firm backhand and remind him that he is sixty seven years old. Aigee shrinks in fear and says nothing else and, ashamed, tries to cover his goo but does not succeed. He is now and forevermore shunned from the group and received no further social contact much like a particular kobold slave named Lethan.
 * Cue Song of Hope.
 * After going back up, then back down, then back up, then back down again, the bois finally solve the puzzle by putting out some torches in the stairwell, exposing a secret passage that leads further into the catacombs.
 * Further into the catacombs, Bongo and the Band came to a maze-like area with many branching paths to take, each leading to different outcomes. Skimp scouted ahead and looked down each path. After resting up, the bois unanimously decided to head to their first room, a large open area with a skeleton hand dabbing out of the ground. On the ring finger of the hand was a small ring.. Aigee, the filthy cretin, rushes ahead to snatch the ring with his greedy goo mitts. But the foolish thing is too weak to take the ring off. He cuts the hand off of the arm and tries taking the ring off once more, but crit-fails miserably, and ends up BOOSHING himself, dealing 15 points of Pride Damage. Aigee’s pride now rests at the all-time low of -35.
 * “Lemme see that.” BIG Nidine scoffs at Aggy. The almighty pandafolk exerted all of his energy in trying to remove the ring, but to no avail. “LEMME SMASH!” Nadine cries as he SLAMS the hand onto the dusty ground where it belongs. The ring still firmly in place. Feeling upsetti, BIG Nadine eats all the spaghet.
 * Bongo calmy picks up the skeletal hand off of the ground. With intense concentration and technique, Bongo tries his hardest to pull the ring off of the hand. And, unlike the others, he manages to make some progress with it, slowly nudging it off. He could have easily taken the thing off himself, but he noticed that Skimp was feeling left out. So, the goliath loosened up the ring completely and then handed the hand to the adolescent ratboy. There was no possible way that Skimp wouldn’t be able to pull the ring off. He could have rolled a crit-fail and he still would have gotten the thing off thanks to Bongo’s efforts. False.
 * Skimp goes in guns a-blazin’. And he instantly pulls the ring off with his grimy, ashy rat fingers. “Look guys, I did it!” he cheered. But none of the boys paid the rat much attention. Kaw, who was creeping around the corner a good distance away, yelled, “Nobody cares!” In actuality everybody was jealous of Skimp’s amazing display of strength when he removed the ring that had in fact been barely loosened.
 * Everyone else was so intent on hanging their heads in shame that they didn’t notice the walls of bones forming all around them, making an impenetrable barrier between Kaw and the rest of the group. Nadine instantly BOOSHES the wall nearest to him and moves in to help Skimp and Aigee. Bongo manages to bring a good portion of the wall nearest to him down with his Adamantine Sword, but was caught by all the falling bones and is unable to breathe under the crushing weight of an entire wall.  
 * BIG Nadine, Aigee, Skimp, and Kaw (but mostly Nadine) take down the remaining boney walls. Bongo viciously rapid fire dabs his way out of the bone debris.
 * When all was said and done, the Bois stood triumphant over the pile of decrepit, scorched bones and Skimp held the ring aloft akin to a slimy gross mostly hairless creature hoisting his precious to the sky moments before he was shoved into an active volcano. At first he wanted to keep the ring but after a moment or two of quiet thought he realized that his magical abilities do not even come close to some of the others in the party. Aigee is eager to try on the ring so Skimp flicks it over, hoping that the ring is cursed and Aigee puts it on. The ring flies through the air towards Aigee’s grubby hands only to be snatched by Strongback. Strongback flies into a bloodrage and decapitates Aigee instantly with his vorpal greataxe. He then sets his eyes on Skimp and charges him straight into the wall, crushing each individual bone in his body at the same time and rupturing all of his internal organs. Out of the corner of his eye he sees Bongo and Nadine snickering at how the two smallest bois died and he becomes even angrier, growing to twice his normal size. He then proceeds to grab both of their skulls, on in each hand, and crushes them together with such force that Kaw is sent sprawling backwards and breaks his neck on the stone wall. Strongback takes the ring for himself and places it back on the skeleton finger.
 * After snapping out of his Strongback fantasy, Aigee stowed the ring away in his bindle.
 * With the skeleton hand room cleared, the bois rested back at the rest area at the bottom of the stairs. Before going to bed, Bongo, curious about the whereabouts of his animal companion, Thgil, used his spell Scrying to see what the wolf was up to. What he saw was Thgil charging into a small castle, bloodlust in his small eyes. Multiple castle guards tried to stop the beast, but were torn down by Thgil’s might.
 * Feeling spry, the bois moved on to the next room. This next room was smaller and contained a small prison cell against the wall. Inside the cell was Korvinox resting next to a bo staff, but not just any quarterstaff, it was The CrowBar, Kaw’s trusty old weapon that he made a big fuss about, but only actually used once or twice.
 * “Korvinox!” Kaw wailed, pointing at the fiend, “And my CrowBar!”
 * “Yes! It is I. Korvinox!” the boy mocked, trying to appear confident. His confident facade was instantly smashed by the bois as they mocked him back, exposing him for the weak little cretin he was. Bongo asked which of his parents was the abusive one, to which Korvinox clumsily replied, “I killed my parents!” trying to hide the truth of his depraved childhood.
 * “But I’m not here to talk about me! No no, this is all about you! See that sigil on the floor there?” the freak pointed to an odd symbol on the floor. “Step on it and I’ll give you a little quiz! And if you pass, I’ll give you The CrowBar.”
 * Aigee, without considering any of the possible stipulations or other ill effects of taking the quiz, instantly stepped upon the sigil. Gorg appeared in a world of purest darkness. He heard Korvinox’s girly voice resonate in his head. “So I have to give the quiz to you of all people. Oh, Why couldn't I have gotten someone better, like the pandafolk? Or the rat? Or anyone except for you, the slimy goo creature.”
 * Aigee furiously wriggled around in frustration, “Don’t make fun of me!” he scowled at the pathetic hive-slug.
 * Ignoring Gorgy, Korvinox began the quiz, “Tell me, little fellow, where did you first meet the rest of your crew?”
 * “Baronel! In Baronel!” Gorg cried.
 * “Very good! Very good! Next question: I know that you and the rest of your merry troup of adventurers went to scavenge a wrecked ship when you worked for the Zorendal Empire. Now, tell me, what was the name of that ship?” Korvinox’s grin stretched across his face.
 * Aigee-Gorg froze up. He tried as hard as he could to remember the name of it. I can’t remember! It was called the...the….I don't know! Aigee thought to himself. A minute or so passed as the goo fellow tried his hardest to recall the name of that ship that strode on the water. Korvinox impatiently grumbled, “Tell me the name *cough cough* The Water Strider *cough cough* of the ship right now or I’ll kill you!”
 * “The Happy Ship!” Aigee blindly guessed, frantically thrusting his arms into the darkness. His only thoughts were of Aigee’s Happy Song.
 * “Wrong!” Korvinox yelled as he zapped Aigee with a powerful spell, bringing him to 0 hp, rendering the goo helpless. “Consider yourself lucky that I was generous and spared you!” the hive-salad murmured as he teleported Aigee back to the small room with the rest of the bois. “Now who’s next?” the freak asked.
 * “Step aside fellas.” Bongo growled, “I’ll take over.” the goliath stepped upon the sigil and entered the world of darkness, ready to ace the quiz.
 * “So the mighty Bongo is next, eh?” Korvinox chuckled, “Hopefully, you’ll do better than that goo creature!”
 * “His name is Aigee. Aigee-Gorg.” Bongo uttered calmy to the disgusting villain.
 * “Trying to sound tough, eh?” Korvinox mocked, “You do remember that I killed you, don’t you?” to which he received no reply, only the sound of Bongo cracking his knuckles.
 * “Moving right along, question one! When you first met your friends in Baronel, you joined them on a journey to somewhere. Where were they going?”
 * “To kill the necromancer, Jorlack, at an old decrepit tower outside of Baronel.”
 * “And What was the tower called?”
 * “How should I know? I wasn't with them when they received the quest, and they never told me the name.” Bongo explained.
 * “Too bad!” Hive-ugly shrieked as he unfairly zapped Bongo with a spell. “Next question! What was the name of the ship you found Wound on?” Bongo correctly identified it as The Water Strider. “Question, the third! What was the name of the orcish fellow that was the son of Skimp’s slaver?” Bongo was stupefied at this question, as he hadn’t bothered to remember his name. But, Korvinox, feeling generous, instead asked Bongo what the name of Skimp’s mentor was.
 * “Klistmar?” Bongo answered, unsure.
 * “Yes! Correct! Question five!” Korvinox’s voice got even more lowly and pathetic than it usually was (a feat not thought possible), “Out of everyone in the world, who do you hate the most?”
 * “Who do you think, Hive-boi?” Bongo growled.
 * “It’s me, isn’t it?” Korvinox asked. Bongo confirmed hive-loser’s suspicion and the quiz was complete. Bongo was teleported back to the bois, the cell containing The CrowBar was open. Korvinox bid adieu to the bois, but not before Bongo said, “By the way, when we defeat you, we have a special plan worked out for what we’re gonna do to you.” The rest of the bois snickered at Korvinox’s future as Vulkyn’s feeble-minded, personal plaything. The freak ignored the laughing and teleported away.
 * Bongo grabbed the CrowBar and tossed it to Kawkrookitar, as it was his staff afterall.
 * “Gimme gimme!” the crow bellowed as he caught his ol’ staff. But, something was amiss, out of the CrowBar erupted a mass of stabbing vines that began wrapping all around Kaw’s good arm. “Jinkies!” the crow cried. The rest of the bois attempted to pry off the vines, but Kaw stopped them, believing that the vines were forming some sort of cool armor around his body. Kaw couldn’t have been more wrong. The vines simply engulfed his entire body, then squeezed the life out of him. The bois stood around the vine-covered crow, pointing and laughing at his weak struggling body on the floor as the wimperings slowly become quieter and quieter, except for Bongo who was facepalming in ogrewhelming disappointment. The vines continue to consume the foolish tengu until his entire body is trapped under the force of the stinging vines. Kaw died a slow, painful, pitiful death. Truly, it was a fitting end for such a pitiful creature. 
 * Kaw’s spirit ascended out of his entangled body, rising upwards as if being pulled by some sort of force. He rose through the ceiling of Korvinox’s fortress, and emerged into the wastelands of Abaddon, where a couple of daemons tried to snatch him out of the air with their grimy claws. Kaw floated up and up, all the while listening to the Song of Peace. For the first time in his greasy existence, the crow-man felt at peace, as if a massive weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He believed wholeheartedly that his “acquaintances” would manage to defeat Korvinox without him. It’s their responsibility now, Kaw thought. It’s up to them to take down Korvinox. Besides, the world’s probably better off without me anyway… Not having a care in the world, Kaw’s spirit continued to rise.
 * Aigee broke down in tears after witnessing the death of his close crow pal. The massive amount of his tears began to accumulate on Aggy’s goo body, the tears were absorbed into the goo, thus Aggy began to bloat up from crying. The bois headed back to the rest area for the first of MANY times, Bongo dragging the tangled mass of vines that held Kaw’s body. 
 * Unbeknownst to all but Korvinox, Kaw’s adventure was far from over. While Kaw was floating peacefully up into the black sky swinging too and fro as if on an imaginary hammock, he was blissfully unaware of the giant daemon heading straight for him ready to chomp down on those juicy crow-legs. Mere moments before the daemon had the surprise of a lifetime (Kaw’s legs were basically sticks), Korvinox’s ghost backhands it straight into the ground leaving a fifty foot wide crater, and plucks up the dirty one, slaps him around a little, and starts to give him a stern talking to. 
 * “Wow… What a pitiful end to your story nasty-boi. I really cannot understand why Urgathoa chose you to take my place. Clearly there must be some mistake.” squeaks Korvinox as Kaw lay dumbfounded, the ever present glazed look still in his eyes. He thinks for a moment, “I figured you would at least be smart enough to avoid the little curse I placed on your beloved CrowBar, but alas here you are. I wanted so very much for you to die by my hand. Perhaps that can still be arranged.”
 * Korvinox raises his hand and Kaw can feel his very dexterity being S U C C E D away. His body is sent spinning back to the ground and lands inside of a wall. He is immediately shunted out and is rendered limp, wet, and without fine motor control on the catacomb floor.
 * After the rest of the Bois had had one of their many rests in Abbadon, they hear a soft weeping down one of the corridors. Skimp rushes ahead to find Kaw lying helpless and wet, his body sprawled across the floor, crying straight into his mouth and gurgling on his own tears.
 * For no reason in particular, Skimp happily boasts, “Hey Kaw, look what I can do,” and performs the most magnificent backflip that he has ever seen. This makes the tears flows faster and a small moaning escapes the cracked beak of the crow.
 * The rest of the Bois arrived (except for Bongo, who is still in a deep slumber) just in time to see this majestic display of acrobatic power, and begin flipping and cart-wheeling all over the corridor around the helpless Kaw, who sobs even harder. It’s all fun and games, until BIG Nadine does a backflip off a wall and STOMPS Kaw into the ground like a dog. This abuse continues for hours, until finally Urgathoa appeared and commanded the Bois to cease their shenanigans and focus on the task at hand. “Fine,” the Bois collectively sighed, leaving the thoroughly pummeled crow crushed upon the floor as they made their way towards the next room. Sobbing tears of blood, Kaw drags himself after the rest of the party, vowing to have vengeance one day.  
 * Skimp decides to scout the rest of the labyrinth-like area, stealthily searching for traps and enemies. The rest of the bois remain behind. In the darkness, the bois hear the distant echoes of thundering footfalls, growing closer and closer to them. Out of the darkness emerges none other than Skimp, who charges straight past the bois without offering them even a glance. The rat charges back into the darkness, and his footfalls fade away once again. “What an eerie sensation,” said Bongo in a haunted voice, his brow furrowed. The bois shiver in fear until Skimp returns, sprinting back through the tight corridor,  then he points silently in the direction he wants them to go. The bois follow Skimp, some of them sobbing softly. It has finally been made clear who the true Daddy is.    
 * They follow Skimp into a small room containing nothing but a large skeletal construct, sitting inert upon the cobbled ground. It seemed as if it was missing a vital artifact as there was a pie-shaped hole where its heart should have been. Aigee was convinced that something must either be directly behind it in the wall or below it in the floor so Kaw melds with stone and Bongo wild shapes into a mole to dig around but they both come up empty handed. Aigee is spat upon.
 * “Hey Skimp, look what I can do!” screeches Kaw, as the crow slimes through the stone walls. Skimp, however, is not impressed, as the rogue backflips so hard that he flips back and forth across the room, bouncing off the walls like a game of ping-pong. Hissing, Kaw slinks back into the stone, once again defeated by the rat’s superior dexterity. 
 * Skimp then leads the party down an extremely long and curvy hallway, so long in fact that Skimp had not been able to scout effectively for fear of being attacked and having nobody to hear his screams. The corridor opens up into a large room with yet more turns and corners. Having confidence with his friends near him, Skimp sneaks past the corner and beholds a mighty black dragon, its burning yellow eyes merely staring back at him. The dragon has the same appearance as the wooden one the bois would have fought in the Whispering Tree. Skimp utters not even a squeal of surprise or a warning to his friends, but charges back from whence he came and leaps up on a wall in a feeble attempt to escape the dragon’s clutches. The dragon follows, so thicc that it blocks the whole corridor, cornering the Bois. With nowhere left to run, Bongo and the Blocks of Lead draw their weapons and prepare for their first true battle with a dragon!
 * ROLL FOR INITIATIVE!!!!!!!.
 * With initiative rolled, the bois charge into battle. Bongo, still a mole, burrows into the wall so that he may pop out behind the dragon to attack. BIG Nadine does her signature tiple hammer conk against the vermin. Skimp brandished his rapier at the foe and slished his way into battle. Kaw backflips towards the beast with his scythe drawn. Aigee Mage Hands the CrowBar out of his bindle and launched it onto the big, vile dragon. Kaw slashes, Skimp rapes, Aigee dips his hands, Nadine conks, and Bongo leaps out of the wall in Horum form, Adamantine Sword drawn and Scorching Rays ready to fire. The dragon proved to be a worthy challenger, but ultimately no match for the combined might of Bongo and the Blackbirds.
 * Kaw struck the final blow upon the beast, leaping in front of Skimp (who was only seconds away from plunging his keen raper into the villain’s skull) and backhanding the mighty foe with all his strength, slaying the dragon effortlessly. Turning to Skimp, Kaw smirked then performed a flawless backflip. Skimp skulks away, defeated by the conniving crow.
 * The corpse of the legendary dragon lay sundered and decimated before the bois. They picked the corpse clean, taking a multitude of scales, teeth, bones, hide, claws, et cetera et cetera. After looting the corpse, the bois discover that the deadly dragon was protecting a large iron door. The door opens as the gang approaches. Inside they see a horrific sight: nasty, fleshy walls with damned souls trapped in them, daemons occasionally swooping in to reap a soul or two, and, in the middle of the room, a large beacon of the scourge pointing straight upwards.
 * “Holy smoke.” Bongo said, acknowledging the Scourge Beacon. Aigee suddenly began to wonder what the scourge tastes like. Kaw mumbled, “Eh, maybe we oughta search the rest of the rooms first.” The bois all agree and go back to the rest area, Skimp and Kaw backflipping the whole way there.
 * After resting once more, the bois head to the room with the giant money pit. Aigee begins Mage Handing individual coins out of the pit, Bongo uses his telekinetic powers to do the same.
 * “Oi!” a voice from the pit cried, “Who goes there?!” 
 * Skimp slithers his way onto the underside of the overhang above the pit to get a good look at who was down there. “Zoinks!” the rat cries upon seeing a gang of dastardly daemons and a little baby half-lich swoocing about in the gold pit. The bois Roll For Initiative and take on the pit boys.
 * Kaw and Skimp creep along the walls, Bongo glides down and plants a Climbing Beanstalk which Aigee and BIG Nadine use to climb down into the money pit. THE RUMBLE BEGINS!!!!
 * Skimp fires the first shot from his shortbow, a sneak attack, hanging from the ceiling straight into the half-lich’s soft belly. “Little bastard!” the half-lich cried as he cast the spell Death Clutch on Skimp. And, unfortunately, the rat failed the saving throw, thus his heart was completely ripped out of his chest, killing him instantly. At least, that’s what the half-lich planned on doing, but alas, Death Clutch is a touch attack, not a ranged touch attack, so the idiot boy stood there pointing at Skimp, causing absolutely nothing to happen. The bois laughed at the half-lich’s foolish waste of his best spell.
 * In frustration, the half-lich opened the coffin he was standing next to, causing thousands of pounds of sand to begin slowly pouring out of the holes in the wall. The fool planned on burying the bois, as well as all of the precious gold! “Daddy!!!!!!!!” Kaw bellowed at the half-lich.
 * BIG Nadine flew into the enemies with his flying hammer kick, smashing in the already crooked teeth of the dirty daemons that dare defy him. He declared, “THE GOOSH IS COMING UP!”
 * Aigee played the his Song of Courage, increasing the power of his allies.
 * HorumBongo zapped the foes with a Scorching Ray and hacked and slashed at the cretins with his Adamantine Sword.
 * Kaw, with the almighty power of the Oracle, casts Inflict Serious Wounds on the grimy daemons.
 * Skimp sunk two arrows into the half-lich boi.
 * The battle was over quicker than it began. These daemons clearly were among the bottom percentage of daemons, as the bois were able to defeat them extremely easily. At first, they kept the half-lich alive so that they could interrogate him. But the coward took his own life before the boys could get any information.
 * Even though the battle was won, the sand was still filling the pit, burying the gold. The bois scrambled up as much gold as they could, then scurried back up the beanstalk.
 * Bongo, remembered he could burrow in Horum form, dug into the sand and collected as much money as he could. This went on for upwards of six hours. Urgathoa, who had watching the bois’ quest, was fed up with waiting around for so long. She scolded the bois, then turned all of the sand into hard stone.
 * Kaw was not deterred by this setback, as he could Meld With Stone. He delved into the stone, and gathered up the last of the coins. 
 * Bongo and Kaw shared the rest gold they collected with the rest of the bois, despite the fact that everyone else just stood around while the tengu and goliath did all of the work for hours upon hours. The bois headed back to the rest area for the eighty-ninth time. 
 * Waking up well-rested, the heroes charged back into the room with the ol’ construct. Bongo and Gorg start riddle-diddling the construct, hoping to activate the metal boi. “Fiddle-riddle-diddle-diddle fiddle-riddle-diddle-diddle fiddle-riddle-diddle-diddle fiddle-riddle-diddle-diddle!!!” the construct says, its voice exactly the same as Richael Mosen’s. It springs to its feet and immediately SLAMS the wall, obliterating the stone, revealing the ancient bones of a long-dead adventurer. The adventure wears an enchanted ring, which Skimp snatches with his grimy rat hands. 
 * The Mosen Construct then begins trundling about the room, going nowhere in particular, chanting, “I glide as I ride in my boogy woogy buggy! I take the corners WIDE. Just see me glide. I’m an EASY, SPEEDY BABY doing the baby buggy jive, OH YEAH! I’m in and out the shops, I’m the one that NEVER STOPS! I’m the one that feels the beat of the wheels. And all that air in my hair! I streak down the street between the feet that I meet. NO ONE CAN CATCH ME IN MY BOOGY WOOGY BUGGY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
 * Bongo, not wanting The Mosen Bot to run amok among the catacombs, takes the construct’s power core and stuffs it in his bindle. The construct utters one final, “Harrybo’s Grandad!” before deactivating. Mosen Bot is now forever stuck making the following face: 
 * Skimp inspects the enchanted ring, admiring how shiny it is. Tamatoa would be proud. Aigee appraises the ring and reveals that this jewelry is enchanted with the legendary Mosen Enchantment. Anyone who dons the magical jewelry will instantly begin reciting poetry in a british accent. The wearer is also consumed with an ungodly concentration of pure, unadulterated, undiluted, industrial-grade SUS. Not only does the ring contain an unholy abundance of sus, it also gives the wearer a 20% bonus not to consume a Hero Point if he or she uses one. It also can instantly give the wearer one Hero Point that must be used instantly, but this will destroy the Mosen Ring. Skimp is wary of wearing the ring, fearing the power that it holds within. 
 * With this new legendary artifact in tow, the bois rest once more then head back to the Scourge beacon.
 * Drawing the Whispering Tree Amulet from round his neck, Gorg holds it outwards, mere inches from the scourge…. He looks back to his comrades and nods, the bois all nod back in approval. Aigee embraces the power of the Amulet and prepares to insert it into The Scourge...
 * SESSION END!
 * Eating me is cruel. Eating me is murder. You can’t catch me, I’m the speedy hamburger!