Chapter Fourteen

The Black Lodge and BEYOND

 * Bongo and the Barty Crouch Jr.’s wake up suspended off the side of the mountain in their telekinetic spheres. Bongo is returned to his goliath body as the bois prepare to take the fight to Korvinox and his scourge.
 * After being molested once again by The Old Man, The Bois are teleported over to a desolate forest. Using their enchanted amulet, the Bois are able to survive the scourge. Aigee-Gorg leads the way, never sleeping for the amulet requires the utmost concentration, and eventually the Bois stumble upon what appears to be a lodge of some kind. Outside this lodge, there lurks a couple robe-wearing baddies, and a massive horned skelly with a big ol’ scythe in his bony ol’ hands. 
 * After a horrendous attempt at sneaking (in which only Skimp succeeds) the Bois are discovered by the baddies and an epic battle ensues. 
 * The skelehorn was quite powerful but no match for the Bois. It stole the life force of his two pawns beside him so it could even halfway compete with the might of the six courageous warriors. In the midst of the whole crew wailing on the big brute, Skimp goes in for one of his fabled sneak attacks and sticks it straight into its bony spine. Skimp then proceeded to vault up the skeleton and use his momentum to pull the horned head right off of the bone-body. The skull is quickly stashed away in Bongo’s bindle for safe keeping.
 * With the coast clear, our heroes enter cautiously through the red-curtained doorway of the Black Lodge, wary of the dangers that surely lie within. 
 * The air reeks of scorched engine oil. An owl hoots ominously in the distance. There’s soft music in the air. The floor is in a black and white zigzagged pattern. The walls are lined with cherry red curtains.
 * Inside the Lodge, Kaw and Aigee immediately charge into the kitchen area, where they find an abundance of rotten meat stuffed into the cabinets and cupboards. DINNER IS SERVED. Bongo searches around for any garmonbozia; during his search, the goliath finds, in a dusty corner, four opened cans of creamed corn. He feverishly checks the cans for any contents they may contain, but, alas, the cans are licked clean, empty. As always, James assesses the situation and finds the face of a small monkey in the darkness; the filthy primate whispers the word, “Judy.” James doubletakes and the creature disappears. The panda also spots a small plastic crate with shoe-shaped scuff marks on it; next to the crate is an odd white mask with a pointy nose, and a wooden slingshot. She gets to urge to put on the mask, grab the slingshot, then jump on and off the crate, but she just barely manages to resist the urge.
 * As he continues to rummage around in the kitchen, Kaw discovers a glass of milk sitting on a silver platter. Dipping his beak into the glass, the crow is surprised to find that the milk is still warm. Feeling as though he’s in a dream, the ol’ crow turns on his heel and spots an elderly waiter standing across the room from him. The waiter tips him a wink, offers him a thumbs up, then points at the warm milk and says, “It’ll cool down on you.” Kaw rubs his eyes in disbelief, and when he looks again, both the glass of milk and the old waiter are nowhere to be found. Not exactly sure of what he just witnessed, the crow shrugs, deciding that it was probably just his imagination. 
 * Skimp bravely sneaks upstairs to scout the second floor of the Black Lodge.  
 * All the sneaking about was completely unnecessary though. In the first room, Skimp discovered a man caught in a hangin’ rope. He seemed to be in his mid forties, his hair was short and white, and he looked remarkably similar to the actor Ray Wise. After laughing to himself, he closed the door and moved on.
 * In the second room, Skimp found a dead baby nestled inside its crib. The baby has long blonde hair and bright blue eyes, also the baby was wrapped up in plastic. Skimp can barely contain his laughter! He also finds a small key. 
 * In the third room, which ends up being the bathroom, Skimp finds a bucket full of filth. All of Skimp’s good cheer vanishes in an instant. He slams the door and moves on.
 * Before entering the fourth room, Skimp hears an odd distressed cry coming from above him; there were no other stairs leading up, so Skimp was perplexed as to where the cry was coming from. And the crying itself, it was an older woman’s voice and she seemed to be saying something like, “Aura?” or “Flora?” or something else…. Skimp ignored the sound and moved on.
 * In the fourth room, Skimp finds an altar to Urgathoa, surrounded by bloody human entrails. He used his ashy finger to write “I am Big Shaq.” on the wall.
 * He called back down to the rest of the group and they all came CLOMPING up the stairs like deranged savages. Kaw in particular was very excited to see the rotting corpses and entrails strewn about and went wild, even scooping up the filth bucket and stashing it safe in the ol’ bindle.
 * When he got to the altar, he immediately went in for the big ol’ grasp. Realizing for the second time in his life that the big ol’ grasp ain’t gonna work a moment too late, his vision goes dark and he sees the deaths of all the residents of the Black Lodge. Kaw is shocked to learn that Korvy was not working alone in these murders. Korvinox was joined by a ragged-looking fellow with filthy grey hair, dressed in a denim jacket. Using his magical influence, Korvinox  forced Ray Wise to commit suicide by hanging himself. The grey-haired man murdered the blonde child with a hammer, then wrapped her body in plastic. Howling with anguished laughter, the ragged man vanished into the red curtains lining the walls of the Black Lodge. Kaw then sees Korvinox taking a woman down into the hidden cellar where he brutally tortures her for weeks without end. Her unimaginable pain fueled a portal to the realm of Abbadon, allowing for the scourge to infect the continent of Phylum. 
 * Kaw reluctantly relays this information to the Bois, then the party shuffles back downstairs single file like good little kindergarten girls and boys and opens up the hidden cellar with Skimp’s key. They find a ladder leading straight down into a pit of darkness. 
 * Kaw does perhaps the most intelligent thing he’s ever done in his entire life and spills the bucket of filth upon the ladder, coating it in the gross substance with a devious grin and chuckle. This has little effect however, as Bongo and Thgil glide down, Skimp scales the wall down, James simply falls down, Lekkunar jumps down, but poor Aigee-Gorg has no other choice than to take the ladder.
 * Aigee’s goo-hands have been soiled by the contents of the filth bucket! Kaw thinks, cackling maniacally whilst pretending that he’s The Grinch That Stole Christmas. 
 * At the bottom of the ladder, the Bois stumble upon a nasty door that appears to be made of flesh. Without a second thought, Kaw jams his single crow-arm into the door. His crow-hand sinks into the flesh, and after a moment, the door is completely destroyed, similar to what happens when McDaddy pounces upon a helpless spaghet-covered croissant as Big Smoke is demanding his order from ReviewBrah. 
 * With the obstruction gone, Kaw spots the final resting place of the woman Korvinox tortured, a small chair where her skeleton lay. “Eh lads! That’s the lady I saw bein’ tortured!” Kaw hissed in his familiar Ukrainian accent, “She’s the key to gettin’ into Abaddon!” 
 * The dead lady suddenly springs to life, and she reveals herself to be Urgathoa before dancing a jolly jig. She then tosses the Bois a puzzle-sphere and tells them that if they can’t open it in one minute, she’ll never allow them passage into Abaddon. Oh no! How will the boys ever solve this seemingly-impossible puzzle, let alone in one minute! Oh, what to do!?!
 * This puzzle was solved instantly by the Aigee-Gorg, much to Daddy DM’s UNPLEASURE (displeasure).
 * Urgathoa, flustered by Aigee’s impressive puzzle-solving, reveals a mysterious, magical deck of cards and demands each of the Bois draw one. 
 * Kaw draws the nine of hearts, a card that grants its owner a single wish. This wish-card is stronger than an ordinary wish. However, this wish can only be granted in the realm of Abaddon. Thus, this wish is only temporary (this depends on the wish, however. Certain wishes can be permanent, it all simply depends on Urgathoa’s mood) Kaw must use it wisely. Kaw wraps his scarf tightly around his throat, choking himself until he passes out.  
 * Skimp draws two card at first. The first grants him the ability to open any door or portal or to unlock anything in the universe and his second basically gives him a free life and revives him when he is at zero hp. He then complains to Urgathoa that his cards were lame and draws two more. Upon drawing his third card, a green bolt strikes Skimp and a moment later he is reduced to a pile of ash. Luckily his second card revived him and he is no worse for wear. His fourth and final card is another lame one and it grants the ability to have any one question answered truthfully. A reality passes through Skimp’s eyes as he discards one of them that he drew. In this alternate universe he is happily married to a beautiful efreeti woman and goes on to sire many flame ratlings bearing fiery eyes and dark red fur who continue his work even as he passes thru. Skimp will now stop at nothing to find his wife and make this vision come true. 
 * Aigee draws: The Five of Clubs. With this card Aigee gets to become completely immune to one energy type of his choosing, however he will also become susceptible to all other energy types. Gorg chooses to become immune to all fire damage, and so it is done. He then also draws the Nine of Spades; this card makes it so that little Gorg cannot take anymore levels in his highest level class, thus meaning he cannot level-up his Bard class! Gorg then draws some card that makes it so that Urgathoa must draw a card for Gyystoph!
 * Bongo draws: The King of Spades and the Ace of Spades, neither of them do anything. However, Urgotha chuckles a dastardly chuckle, as if she knows something. Bongo insults the idiotic “god,” so she makes him draw two more cards. So he draws the Six of Spades and the Five of Diamonds. For the six, Urgathoa lets Bongo choose between the life of his good friend Gyystoph “Disgusting” Drashali or the life of his legendary sword, Wound. Bongo chooses Gyystoph over his stupid sword that he didn’t really want any more; and thus Urgathoa takes Wound and completely disintegrates it. Bongo stows its ashes in his Bag of Holding. For the Five of Diamonds, Bongo grows in size to giant proportions, gaining a plus three to his already very high strength stat, but a minus two in dexterity.
 * Thgil draws some random card from the deck, which causes a strange lady to appear and lure him into a portal. Bongo is dismayed that his trusty animal companion has vanished. It is later revealed that the mighty wolf has embarked upon a solo adventure, but no one is certain when Thgil will return from his epic quest.  
 * James Hurley draws:  The Ace of Hearts that transforms her into a gnarly were-bear, as well as a second card, The Jack of Hearts, that swaps her gender. Now possessing the unholy MAGNUM DONG, the female James ascends into the male BIG Nadine, a fearsome beast possessing ogrewhelming levels of testosterone. 
 * Having finished his work at The Gas Farm, Big Ed sighs, “Oh Nadine.” shaking his head, before journeying to the Double R Diner to pay a visit to the lovely Norma Jennings, who Big Ed has been deeply in love with ever since his high school days. Hank Jennings, Norma’s dangerous husband, grows suspicious of his wife’s activities with the owner of The Gas Farm.
 * BIG Nadine comments on how much he loves being a werebear. So Urgathoa, being the ugly cretin she is, reverses the effects of The Ace of Hearts, turning him back to a pandafolk. 
 * Lekkunar draws the King of Clubs. A card that causes a random evil outsider to set a plan in motion to kill whoever draws the card. Lekkunar keeps this card hidden from the bois.
 * Then Urgathoa, much to the displeasure of Kaw, reveals Kawk’s secrets to Lekkunar, exposing that Kaw is a cannibalistic follower of the grotesque goddess.
 * Lekkunar gives his younger brother a stern talkin’ to, then storms off, vowing to kill Kaw if they ever cross paths again. Feeling betrayed, Kaw snarls, “Likewise.”  
 * After the unfortunate departure of Lekkunar, Bongo notices that all of his companions have disappeared and that he was no longer in The Black Lodge!! It seemed as though he was in some sort of cloud world!! How silly!! Suddenly, an elder air elemental appears and engages in combat with the druid. Bongo tries to reason with the elemental, but to no avail, he has no choice but to fight back! The battle is short-lived, with both parties only taking minimal damage, when suddenly the elemental disappears and Bongo begins falling rapidly out of the sky!To anyone else, this would be extremely dangerous and life threatening, but to a shapeshifting druid, this is nothing. Bongo once again transforms into a peregrine falcon and safely flies down to the earth. But instead of going right back to The Black Lodge, Bongo takes a stop at Vulkyn’s Mountain Top Retreat of Terror.
 * Vulkyn is surprised to see the handsome goliath, and makes an odd slurping sound as he sips his Starbucks water. Bongo is unintimidated by the old man’s mating call. They exchange a few meaningless words then the old fellow teleports Bongo back to the Lodge.
 * Upon returning to the basement, Bongo is given no chance to explain to his friends what had transpired; immediately a strange elderly fellow appeared from the shadows of the Lodge. He introduced himself as Gerald. His whole deal is that he will give Bongo powerful weapons and items in exchange for years off of the goliath’s life. After what seemed like hours of nonstop back-and-forth, Gerald leaves, disappointed, having not been able to convince Bongo to buy anything. Although Bongo could certainly put some good use to a new weapon, he flat-out refuses to sacrifice his precious youth.
 * After the Gerald shebackle (during which Spencer Hamilton A.K.A. Aigee Gorg became furious at RC/Bongo for not accepting any of Gerald’s deals) the bois plunged headfirst into Abaddon, intent on hunting down the nasty Korvinox and taking him on a one-way ride down JANE LANE, which leads to the legendary BONO ROAD, and ends at POUND TOWN all contained within the continent of PUNISH LAND.
 * Before they go, Urgathoa imparts a warning that if they die in Abbadon, then their souls will be forever trapped within the hellish realm. But this do not deter Bongo and the BOOSHERS!
 * Abaddon is a gross place full of vicious daemons. In order to survive, the Bois will have to stay on their toes, and proceed with caution. 
 * After wandering for a while, the Bois arrive at a rushing river full of fearsome monsters. In order to cross, Bongo wildshapes into a big ol’ bird and flies each member of the party to the opposite bank of the river one by one, barely managing to carry BIG Nadine across. (Wndrwll begins playing) Bongo and the BOBs then continue on their way, until something strange happens…
 * The Bois begin to hallucinate, and Kaw’s immediate reaction is to break down and start sobbing. 
 * Bongo stands utterly still, perplexed by this perplexing turn of perplexing events (How perplexing!). Aigee panics madly, spewing goo all over the place. Aigee calls for help into the misty beyond, and, fortunately, he spots his gang off in distance. “Help me!” he cried to his pals.
 * However, this gingle-gangle that Aigee spots in the distance is-a not-a what it seems-a.
 * As the gingle-gangle draws closer, Skimp is shocked to see a monstrous, creepy daemon scuttling straight towards Aigee. “SHUT UP, AIGEE!” Skimp roars, smacking his disgusting goo face over and over, backhand, fronthand, backhand, fronthand, backhand, fronthand. Aigee, however, does not break out of the hallucination, he continues calling the beast forward. Bongo and Kaw are finally able to fight off the hallucination; they also yell at Aigee, trying to stop him. Trigged, Kaw SLAMS the butt of his musket into Aigee’s skull, but to no avail, as Gorg’s goo absorbs all of the brunt of the impact.
 * “ZOINKS! THE DAEMON IS UPON US! PREPARE FOR BATTLE, LADS!” Kaw roars before bravely charging forward, scythe slashing and beak pecking. Jinkies!!!!! Once again, the oracle is impressed by the powers daemons possess, still pondering how he could attain such power for himself. 
 * This creature was surely one of the most powerful creatures that the adventurers had ever faced. It had many tools at its disposal including multiple disintegration rays and a legendary action, along with several spider-like arms. After a long, slimy battle, the bois emerged victorious. During the battle, Bongo made the surrounding area holy, and from the ground sprang lush grass and flowers, offering the bois a stark contrast from the horrible land of death and pestilence that makes up Abbadon.
 * With the deadly daemon slain, Bongo and the Brahs marched onwards to a massive, twisted fortress. From the doorway of the fortress emerged none other than NASTY GROSS DISGUSTING FOUL UGLY STUPID CHILD KORVINOX. 
 * Aigee, trying to act tough, challenged the hive-armor-slug, and was promptly defeated when Korvinox pimp-slapped him straight into the ground leaving a massive crater and a resounding BOOM echoing across Abbadon.
 * Korvinox talks for what feels like hours about how cool he believes himself to be. The Bois yawn, growing tired of the child’s rambling. 
 * The drow then returns to his fortress, daring the Bois to follow him inside. “You’ll never take me down, you slimy babies!” Korvinox cackled. “I’ll kill every last one of you with nothing but a single word! HA HA HA! LOOK AT ME! I’M SO COOL!”  “IT WILL TAKE MORE THAN PETTY THREATS TO INTIMIDATE BONGO AND THE BARBEQUE SAUCE!!!!!!” Bongo roared in response, screaming so loud that Aigee’s gooey body jiggled for the rest of time, and the ground underfoot quaked. Korvinox pretended to not be deathly afraid of Bongo’s yell, then retreated back into his fortress like the cowardly shween he is.
 * The adventurers charge bravely into Korvinox’s fortress, Big Bongo clomping in the lead, unaware of the unimaginable horrors that awaited them inside…
 * The legendary Song Of Bustin' plays as the heroes charge fearlessly ahead, ready to slay Korvinox once and for all and end this nightmare. 
 * SESSION END!